Lonely Hearts - Success Stories...
A long time ago, in a castle on a far away mountain, lived a fat, old,
rich miser, Sir Frederick Buckelton the 3rd. Sir Frederick had three daughters,
Minerva, Constantina and Annarana, whom he had his butler, Jerkins, greatly
One day Sir Frederick decided it was time for his daughters to be married off. He placed an advertisement in the lonely hearts page of the local free newspaper looking for suitable suitors to keep his daughters in place. Three weeks later he held open auditions to find his final line up. Out of seven who turned up, Sir Frederick thought five of them would be suitable for the job. Their names were Billy, Bob, Joe, John and Philip.
Sir Frederick himself could not choose between the men, so he lived Simon Cowell to do the job for him. Unfortunately Simon considered them all "utterly appalling" so the job returned to Frederick. He decided to set the men a task. He hid three gold plated rings in a magical maze and the three successful would win his daughters.
So Billy, Bob, Joe, John and Philip all set out for the maze. They entered it together and soon went their separate ways.
As Billy walked along a lonely path he was met with two prancing chocolate chip muffins. His task was to dance the Walls of Limerick while reciting the alphabet backwards in Latin. Unfortunately Billy was illiterate so failed miserably.
As Bob walked down his lane whistling his favourite tune "I every woman" he met a large snail who invited him for a spot tennis. Bob coincidently had his tennis with him (because after all it is a fairy tale) and joined in. Bob was no great shakes at tennis but still the snail wasn't any competition for him. So Bob was the first to get a ring.
Joe was wandering along his path for ages before he came across an enormous furry spider who challenged him to a battle with home made
Italian bread sticks. It was a close call but Joe managed to defeat the spider by tickling him. The second ring was uncovered.
All that walking got too much for poor John who decided to take a little nap along the side of the path. Later he was awoken by two penguins nibbling at his toes. John couldn't escape so the flesh eating penguins devoured him. Tragic, we know, but true.
Philip, the last of our contenders, somehow managed to get a bit lost in the magical maze so he raised a red flag he found along the path and screamed for help. Sir Frederick came to his rescue and since two of the men had already failed Philip succeeded anyway.
Three weeks later Bob, Joe and Philip married Sir Frederick daughters in the same church at the same time - there was a three for one discount!
They all lived happily (and cheaply!) ever after!